Rate Your Mate
by Tarlonniel
Summary: A theoretical conversation between Imoen and "CHARNAME" about a certain elven enchanter from Evereska, based on Kulyok's mod, done in BG-style back-and-forth dialogue. Meant to take place during Throne of Bhaal. Imoen's reactions to the PC's statements are all at the bottom of the piece - it can be read without reference to them.


1\. (You hear Imoen calling your name, and in a moment she runs up to you with a look of mischief in her eyes and a scroll in her hand.)

A) Uh oh - what are you up to this time?  
B) Yes? What is it?  
C) Not now. We have a very important mission to complete... I think.  
D) Gods, will you never leave me alone?

2\. This! (She waves the scroll in your face.) I got it from a temple of Sune. It's magic! Look: "Rate Your Mate." You answer all the questions and then you find out... something... I don't remember... Anyway, it looks like fun, but I don't have a mate - _yet_ \- so... whaddya say? I'm sure Xan won't mind. Or ever find out.

A) Absolutely not.  
B) No thanks. Save it for when you find someone.  
C) Well... okay.  
D) Sure! Fire away!

3\. When you look into his eyes, how do you feel?

A) (Sigh happily.)  
B) Half the time, I'm just trying to get his attention because his mind has wandered off to contemplate our inevitable doom.  
C) Worried. I'm always afraid he's about to change his mind and try to escape from our relationship again...

4\. How would you describe your relationship?

A) Full of fun and excitement!  
B) Confusing.  
C) Comforting, but thrilling too.  
D) Uncertain. I'm never sure if we'll still have one tomorrow.

5\. What word does he most often use to describe you? I'll bet I know this one - "doomed"?

A) Yep. Doomed.  
B) No, I think "hopeless" is in the lead at the moment.  
C) He's been tending towards "insufferable" lately.  
D) I... "beautiful."

6\. What does he look for in a woman?

A) Well, I... I'm not sure. I don't think I've ever seen him even look at another woman - not in that way.  
B) Stunning good looks, brilliance, power - he's with me, isn't he?  
C) Erm... that she's an elf? I guess?

7\. When you're in public, does he make sure everyone knows you're together?

A) Depends. If someone's getting a little too familiar, he's _right there_, with that look on his face... you know the one... And you remember what happened to that guy who tried to grab me in the Elfsong, don't you?  
B) We're always holding hands. Does that count?  
C) I don't think he's... quite used to the idea yet.

8\. Does he ever talk about his past relationships?

A) No! I've asked and asked, but he won't tell me a thing.  
B) No, and I don't want him to.  
C) I don't think he had any. Not really.

9\. If you were ill, what would he do?

A) Don't remind me. Last time he wouldn't stop pacing up and down the hall outside my room, muttering about doom and death and... ugh.  
B) He makes the best chicken soup! I don't know how, exactly... but he does!  
C) I don't get sick. Illness is for the weak.

10\. Are you willing to cry in front of him?

A) Are you kidding? I've cried enough tears on Xan's shoulder to flood Candlekeep.  
B) Sure. I don't like to do it too often, though - he's gloomy enough as it is. But he always does his best to cheer me up.  
C) Cry? Me? Never.

11\. How often do you... erm... you know...?

A) How many times a tenday? Or a night?

(She gapes at you.) A... a night?

1) Imoen, there are a few things you really should know about men...  
2) Never mind. (Give her a rough average over a tenday.)  
3) (Smirk.) I suppose you could count the whole night as one session, but Xan tends to...  
4) You're right, sometimes we "erm you know" during the day, too. In a tenday, I'd say... (Give her your best guess.)

B) Hmmm. Well... (Give her a rough average over a tenday.)  
C) I really don't think that's anyone else's business. Especially random magical quizzes.

12\. Would you change anything about him?

A) Are you kidding? He's gorgeous!  
B) If he could be just a _touch_ less dismal...  
C) All he ever talks about is Evereska and how much he wants to go back. Can't he be happy here, with me?  
D) Yes. Remember that book we found tucked away in a dark corner on the fifth floor of the library? Ever since then I've wanted to date a seven-foot tall crossdressing aasimar with a spelljammer. Maybe a polymorph spell or two...  
E) Everything. He's my only real option at the moment, though.  
F) Change? Xan? Why?

Okay, that's the end. Now we turn the scroll over and say the magic words. Ahem. "Love conquers all!" And now... uh... but... huh? Sorry, sis, I think it's... broken.

(Across the back of the parchment, in flowing script, is written the word "DOOMED". You're staring at it together when you hear Xan sigh behind you.) See? I told you so.

1.

A. Go to #2.  
B. Go to #2.  
C. Aww, do we have to be saving the world _all_ the time? Fine. I'll be back later, though, just you wait.  
D. Well ex-_cuse_ me, Ms. Grumpy McBhaalspawn. Sheesh!

2.

A. Fine. Back to... whatever it was we were doing. Killing things, probably, knowing us.  
B. Fine. Back to... whatever it was we were doing. Killing things, probably, knowing us.  
C. Here we go, then. First question.  
D. Here we go, then. First question.

3.

A. Yeah, I know. Next question.  
B. Yeah, I know. Next question.  
C. He'd better not or I swear I'll... never mind. Next question.

4.

A. What with people trying to kill us at every turn, I'd imagine so.  
B. I know what you mean. It confuses the rest of us too.  
C. (Sigh.) I don't suppose he has a brother?  
D. It's not something I'd put money on either. Erm, sorry, maybe that was, uh... moving on!

5.

A. I believe it.  
B. I believe it.  
C. I believe it.  
D. Really? Wow. He's changed!

6.

A. Now that I think of it, you're right. Wonder why? Anyway, next question.  
B. Hah. But not modesty, I see.  
C. All right. I'll just put "unsure."

7.

A. (shudder) Yeah. Good thing for him it was removable.  
B. I'd say so! And it's so _cute_!  
C. What's _taking_ him so long? Yeesh. Next question...

8.

A. Wonder what he's hiding... maybe we should gang up on him...  
B. No? Well, I guess I understand that. Sort of.  
C. Poor Xan. But he's got you now!

9.

A. He was _worried_. Ghoul fever is no joke. Of course, I seem to recall him doing the same thing when you had the flu...  
B. Maybe some of those spell components... no, I don't want to think about it.  
C. (She sticks her tongue out at you.) Fine, litte miss Perfect, let's move on.

10.

A. How romantic... I think.  
B. Aww. I'm sure he does.  
C. I should've known that without asking.

11.

A.

1\. Woah, woah, woah. Tell me later. I'll just put... um... "a lot."  
2\. Huh. I didn't think he was so... I mean, he looks... never mind. Next question.  
3\. Ack! I don't wanna know! I'll just put... um... "a lot."  
4\. Gods, is that even... Ahem. Next question.

B. Huh. I didn't think he was so... I mean, he looks... never mind. Next question.  
C. Fair enough. I'll put "decline to answer." Next question.

12.

A. That's my sister. Not a shallow bone in her body  
B. Sometimes I think that would take a miracle.  
C. Sometimes I think that would take a miracle.  
D. That's my sister. Not a shallow bone in her body.  
E. Truly? That's... sad...  
F. (giggles)


End file.
